Episode 12: A Day in the Life of Harm OCD

`Today's episode is SO important and I applaud the guests for sharing their detailed experiences with the theme of Harm OCD. We hear about this subtype a lot, but are we really sharing the details of what it is like to experience it? It's shameful and scary to talk about! While we sometimes hide behind the label knowing it's a pretty big genre of people with OCD...how hard is it to open up about the actual thoughts, images, intrusions and feelings? VERY HARD. 

People may not understand, people may MIS-understand, disclosing makes us feel shame and guilt, and so many other reasons. 

I'm so grateful for the guests for talking about real world examples of living with this. I hope it makes you see that you aren't alone with this and you don't have to live in silence or alone. So many wonderful people have this, live with this, and are willing to share and support you!

if you are in need of a community of people who can help you feel more accepted, less alone, and more connected to people who understand, please check out my online community for weekly support, monthly classes and events at https://the-ocd-support-community.co.mn

If this podcast inspires, supports, and gives you hope and you'd like to support us monthly or sponsor us, please visit our patreon page and become a member. Your contribution will help us continue the podcast and help us provide even more resources for our community! https://www.patreon.com/intrusivethoughtsunmasked

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome to Intrusive Thoughts Unmasked, the podcast where we explore what it's really like to live with intrusions, the emotional landscape that comes with them, and the common experiences so many of us share. I'm Christy Hodges, and I created this podcast to bring lived experience into the life for those navigating intrusions and mental rituals with OCD. My hope is that here you can finally take off the mask we so often wear to hide this disorder. I want you to feel seen, understood, and accepted exactly as you are. Welcome to episode 12. Today we're talking about a day in the life of Harm OCD. We have three lived experience stories for you. What I'm really excited about in this podcast is people using real-time examples of Harm OCD. This isn't what you often hear. Maybe because people are afraid to talk about what their actual images are, their thoughts, their urges. But here on this podcast, people are being real. And that's what I want you to walk away with. To understand that this disorder feels real. A lot of the things that we think, imagine, feel can be shameful and can cause guilt. And so I love when I have guests on that will talk about the real living example of what it is like to live with these kind of intrusions. So today you are listening to Lived Experience of a Day in the Life of Harm OCD. Enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Tom Smalley here, IOCDF Advocate. I've been in the OCD community for about over a decade now. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 16 years old and went into intensive treatment shortly after. I always had these violent, intrusive thoughts. It was always so terrifying, especially when I didn't have a diagnosis. I was so afraid to tell people what these thoughts were because if you go up to somebody that doesn't know what OCD is, and before I even was diagnosed, I didn't know what it was. And I told somebody that I'm worried that if I'm going to lose control and stab somebody if I see a knife, they're going to obviously be in their fight or flight and say you're dangerous and label you. And for me, I didn't want that label. I didn't want I was worried that if I shared these thoughts, I would be sent away from my family. I would be taken from my family, or my family wouldn't love me, they'd be afraid of me. The toughest part about OCD is that the thoughts are always against our morals and our values and our character. They're not thoughts we want to have. They're not thoughts that we're actually feeling excited to have. And so with the harm O CD thoughts, they overtake you and they become so intrusive, and you start getting these images in your head of what that looks like. What people don't understand about harm CD is it doesn't look like violence and anger and come from hatred. It comes from love. Right? So like harm CD and OCD in general attacks the thing you care most about most. Right. And these thoughts with harm C D, what I would go through is and what I still go through with harm o C D is what if I lose control? What if I hurt someone I love? What if I'm secretly dangerous? What if I snap and just hurt somebody? You know, I would wake up in the morning and before I hit the, you know, my feet hit the floor, my brain is scanning. Did I sleep okay? Did I dream something bad? What if I had a violent dream? If I had a violent dream, does that mean that something's gonna happen today? And then you know, you start trying to go about your day and getting up, brushing your teeth in a shower, whatever it may be. And you start with your your ritual, but then I go to get breakfast and I see a knife. And as soon as I see a knife in that split second, my brain fires this intrusive image of me stabbing somebody I love, whether it be my parents, my girlfriend, my brother, my sister-in-law, the people that are closest to me because OCD doesn't discriminate, it chooses the exact people that you care about most. In a split second, you get that image of worrying about this disaster that you think is going to happen of losing control, me hurting someone. It's something that I would never want to do. Right? And it's go it directly opposes all of my morals and values. It's someone, it's always has to do with somebody I care about so much. As soon as I get there, you know, my stomach drops, my heart's racing, and you feel the shame immediately. Not because you want to do it, but because you had the thought. You should feel the shame because you had the thought of hurting someone you love. And now that day becomes about solving the thought. Why did I think that? Normal people don't think that. Am I a psychopath? Should I avoid sharp objects and nouns? Should I stay away from people? And that's when the isolation comes in. There were days where I would purposely avoid situations, which is obviously a compulsion in itself. I would not put myself around people because if I didn't put myself around people, then I couldn't hurt somebody. What they don't tell you is that isolation makes things worse. Your brain starts moving faster, you're alone with your thoughts. It gets to the point where your thoughts overtake you so much. And then when I'm going through what the thoughts are, it's I start reviewing my past all the way from when I was a little kid. Have I ever been violent? Did I get too angry one time? Did I yell too loud? Like, what does that say about me? No, it's that I have OCD. It's not that I'm violent. It's what's so ironic to me is that the OCD community are the best people I know. And people that suffer with OCD are usually have the most high character and tremendous morals in the world. Like I haven't met somebody with OCD that has bad morals. They usually are just such good, some of the best people I know. They would never hurt a fly. Right. And that's like the best, that's the most ironic thing is, you know, I consider myself, yeah, I do jujitsu and and that sort of thing, but I consider myself a teddy bear. I love giving hugs and I love uh making people feel feel good and and showing up for people. Like that's my thing. When I have these thoughts that are so violent and these images that are so violent, it just directly opposes what I believe I am or who I believe I am. And then you start looking for I start looking for reassurance, Google searching myself, mental checking, confessing to people to the people I love, avoiding. And I'm not even confessing anything, you know, that's a secret. They know I have these thoughts because I've shared with them now. You know, I've been on my OCD journey for 12 years. The more I try to prove that I'm safe, the more my brain says, well, if you need to prove it, maybe you're not safe. With OCD, is you have to go if you want to live a productive, fulfilling life, you have to sit with that uncertainty and go put yourself in these situations, which I know through ERP and proper treatment. And so, you know, I put myself in situations where I'm around people and I'm I'm at work and I'm I'm doing things that I would normally be doing with my dad, you know, regardless of my OCD or not. With that, that means I'm hearing my brain whisper the what ifs over and over and over again. And the harder you try not to think about it, the louder it gets. You try to suppress the image, it comes back stronger, right? If someone told you to not think about violently stabbing somebody, you're gonna quickly think about that. And so you try to distract it, it comes back later. And then it's the physical sensations of did I feel an urge, did I feel my hands move? Why did I feel anxious just now? You're you're just scanning over and over again, and that's what people don't see is harm OCD sufferers are often the gentlest people in the room, the most empathetic, the most careful, because they're so terrified of being harmful. You know, I didn't talk about my OCD until I was at rock bottom and was struggling with suicidal ideation because of the fact that I was so petrified to admit that I was even having these thoughts because I thought I was such a bad person. There was so much shame that came with them. Same with the sexual intrusive thoughts, so much intense shame that I didn't want to share. And it was embarrassing to me because I knew these thoughts weren't normal and I felt like the only person that was having these thoughts. Thinking about a day in the life of Harmo City, by the by nighttime, your exhaustion sets in. Not just like the physical side, you know, from going about your day, but the mental and emotional exhaustion of being so scared and petrified and frightened that you're actually going to hurt somebody you love. That carries such a fight or flight and emotional toll and puts you on edge all day. And so that emotional and mental energy energy and your central nervous systems so wound up and so fried. You know, you spent all day fighting your main cortex, your brain. And 90% of the time, nobody knows that for me, right? It's just the people closest to me that that know that. And so, you know, what if I'm coming up short in areas? People are, you know, I used I used to do this, you know, I was labeled as lazy that I didn't care in school because I would come up short in in assignments or I'd be late to class or miss class. Behind the scenes, I'm fighting my own brain and that mental exhaustion and that emotional exhaustion to show up as my full self, um, regardless. And so there was no way I could. By evening, you know, as you go to bed, it's replaying moments. Was I too close to hurting somebody? Did I seem dangerous? And you know it's irrational, but knowing it's irrational doesn't make it stop because OCD doesn't care about the logic, it cares about certainty and the definites. And certainty is the one thing we as humans don't get. When I think about the truth about harm OCD, I like to lead with intrusive thoughts are not intentions, the anxiety is not desire, nor is discomfort dangerous. We should put ourselves in uncomfortable uh situations to grow. That's how we grow. And we need that to train the ability to sit with that discomfort. And that's what ERP is all about. That's what treat that that's what treatment is all about. Sitting with that discomfort and understanding that those are thoughts, not facts. I think with harm OCD, what's what's so tough is like, you know, I used to have other thoughts like I'm worried, you know, after I watched the series The Walking Dead, I was worried about a zombie apocalypse. But that doesn't target necessarily my values and something so close to home and so wrapped up in my identity and values. Whereas harm OCD directly attacks and targets my values of being gentle, being kind, being friendly, being caring and empathetic. If I didn't care deeply about being safe and loving, the thought wouldn't stick and it wouldn't attack my values. But those are my values, being loving, being a friend, a brother, um, a son, being a boyfriend, right? Like those are my my values, and these this these harm thoughts directly attack that. And what we did with ERP was trying to stop solving the thought instead of what if I hurt somebody, what if I what if I lose control and stab my mother, right? It became maybe I will, maybe I won't. But either way, I'm gonna live my life according to my values, and that wasn't because I was sure, but it was because I was willing to choose discomfort and my values over never having freedom to motivate it.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

A day in the life of harm OCD. This is an anonymous submission. You're going to murder your family. That was the phrase, the command, the thought, whatever you want to call it, that repeated in my mind as I sat in my apartment, browsing Airbnb options to send to my family for a vacation. I immediately jumped up and began pacing back and forth in a panic. I tried to listen to music, to drown out the noise, but all I could think of was the thought. I increased the music louder and louder. It wasn't working. I called my brother and sister separately, thinking that talking to them might distract me from whatever was happening in my mind. Confirming my love for them was the only way to disprove the thought. I had to pretend I was okay. I was the older brother, and I didn't want to worry them, though it's always been well known that I was the anxious one in the family. Talking to them only made me feel more anxious, monstrous even. How could I talk to two people I love so much after having such a vile thought? I hung up the phone and curled up on my couch, a shell of a human, bawling myself to sleep. I slept for an hour that night, spending most of my time staring at the ceiling. I felt paralyzed. All that replayed in my mind was that fucking thought. I had to go to work even though I wanted to stay in bed. If I wasn't watching videos about HOMO CD, I was scouring the internet to prove to myself I was not a murderer. I wanted to die. Surely death would feel better than this, but I knew I didn't have it in me. After a few days of endless psychological torture, I sought help. The hours, days, weeks and months that followed were tough. I was caught in the OCD haze, lacking any and all insight. Filled with doubt about the person I was. I tried to hospitalize myself twice when the intrusive thoughts were bad. But instead of getting the help I needed, I left the hospital each time, unlocking a new trauma. During one of my visits, when Harm OCD was at its peak, the hospital staff placed me in a room next to an inmate who had multiple officers guarding his door. There are hundreds of reasons that man could have been incarcerated. But that was all I needed to see to make my OCD spiral. All I could picture in my mind were me in those cuffs, isolated from society and the people that I love. After a few weeks, I began an intensive outpatient program at Rogers Behavioral Health. The program was tough. Tons of exposure response prevention that physically and mentally drained me. I was constantly worried that I would be the exception to the program and that the Rogers staff would unveil I was actually a serial killer and didn't have OCD. And as ERP became more routine, I worried whether I was reacting enough to the thoughts. Why was I not in the same distress that I was at the beginning of the program? Though this was the point of ERP, I was convinced that I was the real life Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. After expressing the same concerns to my therapist each day, I finally had to take the chance and believe that I had OCD. This was the first step in my recovery. Five years since completing Rogers has gone by, and I still have relapses. OCD is still part of me, but that is okay because I'm learning to live with it. I have not yet accepted the grim reality that OCD and I will coexist for life. With each relapse comes a new learning opportunity, but that doesn't mean the grief gets any easier. It doesn't matter how many times you choose values over fear. There will always be a time where you let your guard down and OCD will be waiting in the shadows, ready to attack. Harm OCD comes and goes and in different forms for me. Here's a fun one, for example. I once had to redo a bunch of mailing envelopes because I licked the envelope shut after having some peanut butter. My OCD told me that someone receiving the envelope had a nut allergy and I was going to trigger the reaction, leading to their untimely death. If I was presented with the same situation now, I probably wouldn't redo the mailings, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have moments where my mind fixates on that fear. I spent 29 years living in my head before diagnosis. I've had multiple themes, and each one hurt me equally. I've missed out on trips, relationships, and moments with family and friends because of this disorder. I have been fortunate to meet some of you in groups and at OCD Game Changers events. You are some of the strongest people I know. While I may not know you personally, I know you have a similar story to mine. OCD has created a bond between each and every one of us. Whenever you feel alone, I hope that my story and the story of others on this podcast helps you realize that you have people in your corner. I hope to meet you in the future. But if our paths don't cross, stay strong. You've got this.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

Hey everybody, my name is Stacey Single Decker, and I am um 64 years old. The reason why I say that is because I want to give some context into my life and I want to give some hope to people that have OCD and they've had it for a long time, that there's hope that you can get better. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 57, proper diagnosis. There's definitely hope and help for you. And I really want this to give you some hope and help as I share my story with harm OCD. I was born anxious. I was, I've always been anxious, I've always been fearful. I know I was just born that way. And I also had a mom that was uh had a it still has extreme fear and I absorb that fear. I just I was always just kind of an anxious kid. I definitely had OCD kind of quirks growing up. I had I would line up all my stuffed animals and I would pray. I didn't come from a religious family, but I somehow knew about prayer. We went to church every now and then, but I would obsessively line up my stuffed animals and I would pray for my family and whoever. And then if I didn't do it in just the right order, I would have to go back and start all over again. So definitely look back at that and see the beginnings of OCD. And then when I was about in third grade, I was very, very anxious to go to sleep. So I didn't sleep for a long time, just had some obsessions about going to sleep and my family going to sleep and keeping them safe. And then I was okay, like OCD, you know, can kind of come and go. But for me, OCD really shows up when I'm going through uh trauma or change in my life. When I went to college, I had my first uh panic attack. OCD, what I know now is it very much shows up when I have a lot of change, but it also comes along with anxiety and depression. So it's the the trifecta for me. But I started out with anxiety attacks uh in college. And then I was 19, I became a born-again Christian because really what I wanted in my life was a sense of safety and security and not to be so afraid. So I thought, well, this is the answer because I, you know, I wanted answers. And so I became a born-again Christian and was told that anxiety and worry were a sin. And so I thought, okay, well, this is the answer because I will just do all I can to not do this sin and to uh pray, do do more, read more, study more, all the things. And after my son was born, he was born with some some medical conditions that required a few surgeries and a lot of tests. And I became obsessively worried and fearful about him. And it started. Started creeping over into a lot of areas of my life. I just became very anxious, depressed. I knew it wasn't normal, but I didn't know what to do about it. This was in the 90s. There was no anything for mental health help. We didn't have the internet. I couldn't talk to anybody because I was in a Christian cult, what I call it now. And so if I was to be honest with anyone, they would see me as a failure. And I saw myself as a failure. So I couldn't, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. But I did finally end up seeing a therapist. And I talked to her about my mom and about different things in my life that were bothering me and my anxiety. And but I couldn't tell her how anxious and fearful I really was because quite frankly, it scared me. Um I was having panic attacks a lot. I was having panic attacks at the grocery store. I couldn't go to large areas. Um, I would just start feeling weird and off. So I thought there was something horribly wrong with me, but I did what I knew how to do and I just kept it to myself. And meanwhile, I was getting sicker and sicker because I was I was just trying to hang on and do the best that I could. Um, my parents came for a visit, and when they would come to visit us, we lived in Arizona at the time. My husband and I were in full-time Christian ministry. So they would come and it was always hard. I was always stressed, and I was really stressed. And we were out in this outing, and all of a sudden, a thought came to my brain, and it said, You're gonna kill your family. When that happened, I literally like I heard a voice in my head, and it was it didn't seem like me. And when that happened, I literally felt like a bomb had gone off in my body. I started shaking, shivering. I looked around to see if anyone noticed how weird I was acting, and I did what I'd always done, and I just whitened cold the rest of the day, and I thought to myself, I can never, ever, ever have that thought ever again. And what the hell just happened? I felt like I had like a almost like a parasite in my brain, and I was so, so scared. If I had been scared and fearful before, this was like being fearful on steroids. Not knowing what to do, I didn't tell anyone. I just kept going about my life, barely doing my life. My self-esteem plunged. I mean, I was a stay-at-home mom, I had two kids. I was barely able to do my life. That time we moved from Arizona. We wanted to move to a place that was more suited to us. So we moved to Oregon. And I thought, well, this is gonna be it. Like I'm gonna have this change. I never really liked Arizona. In the space of moving, I was really busy and I was distracted and concentrating on the move and my kids. And it was pretty good for a while. I mean, I was good and we moved here, and I thought, well, this is it. This is what I need. I needed this change, I needed different, a different environment. I remember I was sitting watching TV with my sweet, sweet daughter. She, I think she was six at the time. I had the thought, the urge that I was gonna take a knife and kill her. And we were just sitting there, you know, relaxing. And I thought, oh my God, it's back. What have I done? What is going on? Nothing I've done has worked. I thought what I had done in the form of like avoidance, distractions, be just being super busy and keeping my life, you know, full and doing good things. I thought all that was going to keep these horrible thoughts away. And I remember jumping up from the couch and going to the kitchen and just trying to take some deep breaths and just feeling like an absolute monster, so ashamed, so full of fear and guilt. That summer, the summer was coming and my kids were getting out of school, and I was I started being really scared because I thought I have to spend all summer with my kids. What if I get that thought again? And I didn't have as many distractions in the summer. I wasn't as busy. I remember I was going to pick up my daughter from something, and it was summertime, and I was driving and I felt my hands move to swerve to hit someone on the sidewalk. Again, the gut bomb, the oh my God, it's changed. It's gone from like I'm gonna take a knife and kill someone to oh my god, I'm gonna run someone over. And so I became really depressed that summer because I thought I am a psycho, I am a horrible, awful person. What is wrong with me? There's got to be something in my life that I've either done or I'm not addressing. And so because I was in a Christian ministry, I thought, well, it's maybe I'm possessed by the devil, which scared the shit out of me. Because how could I have let that happen? Well, in the 90s, there was a lot of different books that were put out about the devil and how he works and acts and everything. And so I got those books and I obsessively looked at my life, went through all my sin with a fine-tooth comb, put it put all my sins, burned them up with on a piece of paper, did everything I could to try and somehow get rid of these horrible, horrible thoughts. Anyway, that didn't work, possession stuff. It didn't help. It didn't work at all. So again, fear, shame, failure, guilt, all of it. So I became really depressed and I decided to go on some medication because I I had nothing else. I had no idea I had OCD, didn't know what OCD was. I thought on an SSRI, it helped. It took a while, but it did help. And so I did have some time where I thought, okay, that's what it is. I did have some guilt for going on an SSRI. I don't, I'm still on one and I don't have any guilt, but I felt like a failure as a Christian because obviously, if I needed medication to help me with anxiety and depression, I wasn't doing good. I did have some time, some pretty decent times, but I look back now and I definitely was doing compulsions. I was avoiding, avoiding certain things, avoiding reading certain things. I was distracting myself. I just kept really, really busy. I tried to be a super, super, super good person, good Christian, good mom, good wife. It was exhausting. But I was doing it. I was, I was okay. And then in about 2016, my life changed a lot. I got this new role in this Christian ministry. A lot happened, a lot of trauma happened. I was with my kids, our kids were grown and gone. And my husband and I decided to take a trip to Washington, DC. Just a fun trip, just the two of us. And he was really excited and got this great hotel for us to stay in. I wasn't doing well. I just wasn't feeling good in my body, in my mind. I felt depressed and anxious. And it was like, oh no, God, this whatever it is, this parasite is coming back. And so we were sitting there in our hotel room, and I was just, we were just resting, and all of a sudden my brain went, You're gonna kill your husband. Again, it's back. And so it was terrible, awful. This time though, I had the internet and I kind of thought that I might have OCD because of things I had been looking up. I went to a psychiatrist because I thought I needed a med a med change, which wasn't true. But anyway, I was just scrambling and he said, Well, there's a place, an OCD and anxiety place in Portland. He just said it offhand. That's when I got properly diagnosed and helped. And I'm so grateful for that. And I don't want to say it like, oh, I got properly diagnosed, and then my life is just wonderful. There's, you know, there's of course ups and downs with OCD. I was starting at the beginning. I'd spent so many years having OCD, not knowing what it was. I have OCD, so harm is the one that gets me. That's the one that brings me down faster than anything. So OCD shows up in my life in a lot of different ways, but they're much easier to deal with than harm. Um, now I just I just want to tell you some of the ways harm OCD shows up in my life, and I want to be real, I'm gonna be really honest about it. And the reason why I'm doing this is because I've never heard anyone speak about the content of their thoughts. And I want to because I want people to feel less alone. For years I had a cleaning business, and so I would have thoughts of swallowing the chemicals that I was using when I would write with a pen. Um, I was in a Bible study for many years, I no longer am, but I would, when I would be writing with a pen, I would have an urge to stab the person with the pen sitting next to me. Occasionally I have um an obsessive thought about or an urge as I'm drinking from a glass to bite down on the glass. If I'm a runner and a hiker, and if I'm using wired headphones, I have the thought that I'm gonna take the wire and put it around my neck and strangle myself. I have hit and run OCD or harm OCD. So it goes along with my harm. So I can be just driving along merrily and have the urge or the thought, command, whatever it is that I'm gonna swerve. I've been on chairlifts before where I'm going along and I have an urge to jump off it. Um, that also goes with like being on a subway, on a train, anything I will get an urge image, even feeling that I'm going to maybe jump off it or push someone off it, push my kids. I had a thought once I was going to push my child off the chairlift. It also has, I'm a grandmother now. And so, of course, OCD has, I thought, oh, it can't go after my grandkids. It can't, it can't, it can't. And so, of course it has. And so I've had thoughts of like putting my hands around their necks, strangling them, pulling their hair, you know, having them in the bath, drowning them in the bath. And I've had that towards my loved ones too. All those, you know, taking a knife, stabbing them, stabbing myself. I had images, thoughts about taking a knife and stabbing my pregnant daughter. Those are those are my harm OCD thoughts. And they don't bother me like they used to. Occasionally I get a new one. The new one that I got a couple months ago was when I'm eating with a fork. I have an image, urge. Thought that I'm gonna stab myself with a fork. That was there for a lot was bothering me. I knew what it was, but it still bothered me and it's better now. But I hope that helps. I hope this makes you feel less alone. I hope it makes you understand that you're not your thoughts and the content of your thoughts. It's just the way that our brains work. And I also want to say if you don't have those same kind of harm thoughts and OCD's getting at you, like, well, that's not you. That's not because I would do that. I would listen to other people's thoughts, and I thought, that doesn't happen to me. What's wrong with me? Know that the content of your thoughts of your thoughts too are unique to you and your life situation. And we know that OCD goes whatever after whatever we care about most, and so they're gonna be unique to you. I hope this helps and know you're not alone. And um, take care.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Thank you so much for being here and for unmasking with me today. This is such an important episode. A day in the life of Harmo CD. While we talk about Harmo CD, we don't often get in the details. And as you saw in these three accounts of Living with Harmo CD, people are willing to share, to help others feel less alone, to help reduce the shame, to help us feel like we are connected, and just because you have one theme does not mean that you're different and that you have to feel like you're some sort of monster. I am so excited we are getting to share this episode with you because if you were living with us, I know that the things that were shared today are gonna help you feel like you are not walking on this planet alone and by yourself. If this podcast supports you, inspires you, or helps you feel a little less alone, I'd love for you to consider supporting it on Patreon. Your monthly pledge helps me to keep these conversations going and create even more resources for our wonderful community. You can join us at patreon.com slash intrusive thoughts unmasked. And remember, when you are here, you do not have to wear the mask because you are seen, you're understood, and you are accepted exactly as you are. We'll see you next week.