Episode 20: Why Is Traveling So Hard with OCD? Summertime Sucks!

Episode 20:
This is a storytelling episode. I've been hearing from clients and many people that summers are super triggering because of the pressure to travel or the feelings of sadness/envy of people who are traveling and portraying that life is impeccable because of their trips!

Travel is hard, y'all. There are a lot of expectations and it's a complete disruption of your routine, so while many people are excited for that, we - with OCD - may feel scared or dysregulated because we are USED to our routine and the control around it. 

I wanted to share what it's been like for me the last 6-8 years learning and just having to deal with and manage the moments in different countries as I travel to do work to bring OCD awareness internationally. It's been something that has been a values based experience, but one that I've had to struggle to learn to be okay with and enjoy. 

I hope this episode helps if this is something you deal with!!

If you are in need of a community of people who can help you feel more accepted, less alone, and more connected to people who understand, please check out my online community for weekly support, monthly classes and events at https://the-ocd-support-community.co.mn

If this podcast inspires, supports, and gives you hope and you'd like to support us monthly or sponsor us, please visit our patreon page and become a member. Your contribution will help us continue the podcast and help us provide even more resources for our community! https://www.patreon.com/intrusivethoughtsunmasked

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to Intrusive Thoughts and Mask, the podcast where we explore what it's really like to live with intrusions, the emotional landscape that comes with them, and the common experiences so many of us share. I'm Christy Hodgins. I created this podcast to bring lived experience into the light for those navigating intrusions and mental rituals with OCD. My hope is that here you can finally take off the mask. Don't often wear high. I want you to feel clean, understead, and exact, exactly actually. Welcome to episode 20. Today it's going to be a storytelling episode. People often get referred to going under the time. So I've talked a little bit about what it's been like for me around travel. I travel a lot internationally, and uh the journey into me to get to a place where I do feel comfortable now, even though I still have an idea about it. I also want to thank you for understanding at some week I'm not going to be uploading an episode. I am really busy with three grad school classes in eight weeks over the summer, and so I just feel sometimes overwhelmed with work in school and sometimes have to prioritize. I don't want to put a podcast out unless I feel like I've really been able to put the work into it and the quality as it represents our lived experience. So thank you for understanding, and I hope you enjoy the show. But I have not always been. This has been an arduous work in progress, and in many respects, it has been exposure response prevention to get to the place that I am now where I'm able to travel to many different places and actually be present and enjoy it. Today I want to share how international travel started at rock bottom and how I clawed my way out of that to be able to travel now and enjoy it, even sometimes while embracing the fear and some of the things that I do to be able to make the travel more bearable. So let's start at the beginning. When I started OCD Game Changers, which is my nonprofit, that was around 2017. I had the idea I started having people traveling out to Denver in 2018, where we would do an event and I would have advocates come and talk about their lived experience and their projects, and we'd spend time together, mainly to build a support system for advocates, also to be able to support one another's, also to be able to support one another's projects, but then of course to spread community awareness and connection here in Denver, Colorado. When I saw that this was an idea that could really take off, one of my biggest thoughts was how can we do this internationally? I have plenty of connections internationally. I also know that there is a desperate need for OCD awareness in so many different countries, the ability for people to meet other people, to have resources, to bring therapists kind of out of the woodwork so people know that they have places they can go for help and support. So it really was one of my dreams to be able to have game changers travel to different countries bringing people together. It's incredible that in 2026, now how many countries we've gone to and just how many we're going to go to this fall. I'm going to Ireland and I'm going to Poland and I'll be in London. I do want to tell you, it has not always been this easy. I'll start by saying I didn't know myself very well eight years ago when I first started traveling internationally. I didn't necessarily know what my triggers were. I didn't know what my core fears were. And all of this comes into play when you're traveling. And especially for me internationally. I have this huge fear of being trapped. That's my core fear. And so many fears come out of that. It is fears of embarrassment, because of course, then you're trapped in the embarrassment. Not knowing how to do something that also comes from my childhood as modeled by my mother and the panic when we couldn't figure something out. I would watch her and how she handled things. To me, if you don't know how to do something, what happens then from a modeling perspective is panic and fear, and we can't do anything because we're women. I'm just being honest. This is what was modeled to me. I am an independent woman that likes to do things on my own. And I still struggle with those core beliefs that were taught to me when I was younger. And so traveling internationally in a different country, it doesn't even matter if they speak the same language. I knew things were going to be different. I knew that I was going to have to ask for help. I knew that I would get in situations where I didn't know what to naturally do like I would when I was in America. But I didn't know it to what extent. So I just thought, let's just do it. My first event was in London. Now, Stuart Ralph of the OCD Stories is in London. Um, he's one of my good friends. Um, we were good friends then, too. And so I knew, like, okay, well, Stu's gonna be there, it's gonna be fine. But I didn't realize that Stu's not gonna be traveling with me on the plane and getting to another country. He's not gonna be there meeting me off the plane, and then he's not gonna be with me the entire time because I was gonna be staying in a hotel and exploring the city on my own. So I was not prepared for the jet lag. I was not prepared for flying overnight. I wasn't prepared that when you get into the London airport and you get outside of the Wi-Fi, your phone doesn't work. I mean, you may be listening to this and being like, Chrissy, you're stupid. And maybe I am. These are just things I didn't know and I just didn't know to Google. My dumbass really just thought I was gonna get there and I was gonna be fine. And I would be, I would maybe sleep on the plane, or it would be and no, none of that happened. I was not prepared for what it means to sleep on a plane, for what it means to not have any sleep, and then get somewhere and not know anything about the culture. And once I stepped foot out the airport, my phone didn't work. It was pretty terrifying. I navigated it because people spoke English. And I could say, I'm just an American, help, whatever. Stu met me, or actually his wife, Dammy, met me off the plane and went into the city. And then, you know, we had an event and everything was great and it was awesome. But then I stayed in London for a few days by myself. That was a terrible experience. Why? Because London is like any big city. British people are just different. No offense to you, Brits, if you're listening. Where I'm from, when you're walking down the road, you look at people and you say, How's it going? Howdy, what's going on? And you smile. They do not do this in London. Of course, I while I was there, I was already feeling like I stood out like a sore thumb because I was an American. And then I would try to say hi to people or smile or make eye contact, and they all looked at me like I was psycho. So I started to internalize this and felt like there was something wrong with me, or I looked horrible, or something socially was off. And so by the time I left, well, I met a couple of my friends over there, and they said, Why would you say hello to people on the street? And then I stayed with Stu the night before I left to come home. And he was like, Chrissy, you don't say hello to people in London. They're going to think you're psycho. These are things I did not know. So again, new culture, not knowing what to do, how to fit in, or whatever, but it was very disappointing. And I just kind of felt like, ugh, this just isn't my place. And that's okay. But I did feel sad. And then the trip home was tough. And then there was jet lag. So I thought, okay, international trip under my belt. Everything will be fine. The next trip, however, was the rock bottom, one of the hardest international trips I've ever been on. And I wasn't sure if I would ever travel after this trip. I went to Spain. That was my next international trip. Our partner, Alejandro Ibarra, was there. He's amazing. And he does OCD Game Changers events. It's so excited to partner with him because he is just so enthusiastic about creating awareness and connection in his community. I had never been to a country where people didn't primarily speak English. I was deep in my symptoms of OCD. I was having intrusions about my feet. I like the pain of it. Um, and so being there and knowing I should be exploring this place, I didn't want to because I didn't want to feel the pain in my feet. But also, my phone did not work. Again, y'all, you'd think I would I would do something about this, and I didn't. And I didn't speak a word of Spanish. I was trapped on so many different levels, and I just hated myself. The shame that I felt going to this country and not being able to explore, not being able to enjoy it because of all factors that I didn't take care of. But then being just drenched in OCD symptoms. It was horrible. I spent the first couple of days just completely isolated in the hotel. Anybody that was there with us, I just let them go do their own thing. I made excuses like I always do when I'm putting the mask on for OCD. And then we had the event. And then it was time to come back. I had to travel by train from Seville to Madrid. There was an incident with a person that was there who was supposed to go with me, who spoke Spanish, and who had been to Spain several times. Sometimes things happen, falling outs happen. This person decided to not accompany me to Madrid. It was just this random, unfortunate incident. And so I had to go by myself from Seville to Madrid. And then from Madrid, the next morning, I would be taking a plane back home. I was so deep into my OCD symptoms and so terrified already. And then the element of being trapped, I don't speak Spanish. My phone did not work. And so I had to navigate all this on my own. This is like my biggest nightmare. What if something happens? What if I can't get someone to help me? There was part of me that just was like, Chrissy, you can figure this out. That's the rational part. You'll figure this out, whatever. Like you'll just, there's plenty of people that do speak English. You will figure it out. But I was so sad when you have kind of an altercation with a friend and things escalate the way that they did. I was also sad and confused about that. But I also was, I just want to get home where everything feels safe and normal. And I was 21 hours of travel away from my house. I get on the train. I actually uh have friends there in Seville, so they helped me figure out how to get on the train. I got on the train. When I got to Madrid, the station was huge. I went to the wrong place to get Ubers. I was getting yelled at in Spanish. And of course, I didn't understand a word, but I was embarrassed. You know, so it was that feeling of trapped. I went to this section of the train station and I sat down and I just cried. And I thought, this is a nightmare. Of course, my foot's hurting every moment of every second of the day. But someone came up to me and said, Are you okay? And I said, No, I'm lost. I don't, I need to find Ubers. I need to find somewhere. And they took me to the service desk and they helped me. They pointed me in the right direction. I got in an Uber. He was very kind. And he drove me to my hotel and I slept and I got on the plane the next day and I flew home. And I made it. In my mind, I said, I will never go back to Spain. Never. Now I will revisit that story here in a little bit. But first, I just want to talk a little bit about some of the fears that happened around having OCD and traveling that happened on the home front. Traveling internationally, I mean, traveling inner anywhere, I guess, even if it's here in the States or if it's international, it would bring me this dread and doom leading up to it. And then I, of course, I would think to myself, how can I just figure out a way to cancel this? Because leading up to the day that I would depart, I would think about all the things about my house, my dogs, my life that I may never see again if something happens while I'm gone and I can't get back. That is the fear. That is where I would spend my energy in the days leading up, the countdown, the countdown to leaving on vacation, the countdown to going to beautiful places, the countdown to going to fun events here in the States too. I would count down. This made me the last time I ever see my dogs. I sleep in my bed. Did I see my house? Did I appreciate it enough? Did I not appreciate the time I had here? Was I not grateful enough? Because if I come back and it's gone, well, I've deserved it. So then I would go, and if I would make it to the destination, meaning the plane didn't crash for whatever reason I thought that it was going to, then I would get there and be relieved for a little bit, but then I would count the days until I came home. Because what if something happened between now and then? And I never got to see my dogs again. I would probably drive the person nuts that was watching my dogs. Can you please send me a photo? Are they okay? Are you sure they're okay? Wait a minute, you sent the photo of just one of my dogs. Why didn't you send both? Is the other one dead and they just don't want to tell me because they don't want to ruin the event? Sometimes I would be distracted by an event or whatever I was doing. But for the most part, I spent every moment counting the moments until I could get on the plane and then cross my fingers and hope the plane would make it safely back to the airport to get me to my house. It was insane. Who does this? Who wastes the time that you have to spend if you're if you're able to do it the whole time hoping you can get back home to make sure that home is okay. I hated it. I just thought to myself, Chrissy, you want to travel, but is travel worth it? I was leaving for Germany. We were having an event in Munich, Germany. And I got off the plane and I was in New York City. And I remember the flight to New York, and as I was flying, I could see the city, and I thought to myself, you are the luckiest person in the world. You're going to Munich, Germany to do this event. You get to see Germany and raise awareness and create connection for these wonderful people in Germany. I got off the plane at JFK and I was sitting in the seat and I was waiting to board to go to Munich, and I was watching all the faces of the people around me. You could tell the excitement. There was laughter. There were people together. They were so excited to go to Germany, whether they were going home or they were going to visit. And all I felt was dread. Here I am able to travel to these places to do this wonderful work. I knew I was going to be seeing some of my best friends in Germany too. That was the thing. I was so excited. What if I don't make it over? What if the plane crashes? What if I get over there and something happens and I can't go home fast enough? And I looked around at everybody and I was so jealous. I hated this. I want to be somebody that is able to travel and enjoy every leg of the way. I can't keep doing this. Even though I want to do this work, it's too much of a toll. And it's not fair. So I got home from Germany. It was a beautiful event. I was so grateful to be there. There were a few things in Germany that were tough. But again, I got through them and I actually started showing myself you can do these really tough things and make it through. And embarrassment doesn't matter. And I'll get to that here in a little bit. I got home and I thought to myself, I've got all these other events lined up. I was going to be going back to London. I was going to be going to Wales. There were talks about me going back to Spain, which of course Spain was now fused with anxiety, with my feet and feeling lost. And so I get back from Germany and I think to myself, Chrissy, you want to do this. I'm not going to white knuckle traveling anymore. Are we going to travel or not? Because if you can't figure out a way, we're not going to do this anymore. And I knew that wasn't an option. My world is very small where I live. Meaning I live on the side of a mountain. I live in a cabin. I don't have a lot of social interaction here, other than like with my neighbors, or when I go to the town. I mean, my partner's here now, but not then. Most of my best friends live around the world. I want to be able to do this and not have to deal with how terrifying it is every single time. So I needed to identify what was really going on. What are the big fears? The fears of leaving and something happening. The fears of not being able to get back. The fears of something happening and not being able to get back quick enough. And then I'm going to have to live with the the misery and the guilt the rest of my life. Again, my core fear of being trapped. What if the plane crashes? What if I lose it or have a breakdown while I'm in another country and I can't get home? What if I lose it and they institutionalize me? Or my OCD is so bad that I can't get on a plane and get back home? And then of course, what if I get lost? What if I get kidnapped? Or just what if the situations while I'm over there are so embarrassing because I'm standing out and people are like, who is this idiot? And I just look stupid, and that makes me feel trapped. These were my biggest fears. So I thought to myself, I need to tackle these because you know what? When we talk about living according to our values, my values are visiting the people I care about, spreading awareness for OCD, and allowing for in-person connection resources and support in countries where they need it. So Chrissy, figure it out. Fears of leaving and coming home. Fears of a plane crashing. I took this out of the playbook for inference-based cognitive behavioral therapy, ICBT. Because these are more geared toward anxiety than OCD. This is, this could happen. This is, I mean, it's an ear, it's an it's it's an irrational fear, but I mean planes do crash, houses do burn down. So I took this out of the playbook of Chrissy. Planes take off all day every day from America to Europe, from Europe to America. How often do planes crash into the Atlantic Ocean? Or just in general? Not often. Chrissy, how many times in the last five years of living in your house? Has your house burned down? Whether you were at the store or whether you, you know, just got in the car and drove up to the mountains for a couple nights in a cabin. Did your house burn down? Did your dogs die? They didn't. If these things don't regularly happen, I can safely assume I am not going to crash and my flight over or back, and my house is not going to burn down, and my dogs are not going to die. Now, while all of these things would be horribly tragic if they did happen, whether I was home and just at the grocery store, or whether I was overseas, I need to rely on the fact that I can trust myself enough to handle it. It's just the reality of I am having these fears that are completely irrational and that aren't necessarily coming true every single day. So I can have the confidence that for the most part these aren't going to happen. And that brought me a lot of comfort. What if I lose it or have a breakdown while I'm in another country and I can't get home? Well, first of all, I know people there that have OCD. I know therapists wherever I go. And I have people at home that love me and care about me. And if I need them to come get me, they will. If I need help, mental health help, I can ask those people where I'm at. Now, if you're in that situation and you don't know anybody, and this happens too, I actually go on a Caribbean vacation every year by myself. I don't know mental health, but I like facilities or I don't know anybody over there that could help me. But I know my therapist and I know my friends back home. If something happened to me over there, I would ask for help. What if I get lost? What if I get kidnapped? What if I'm embarrassed? And what if overall I feel trapped? I mean, I could definitely get lost. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten lost in different countries because I usually rent a car. This is what I do now, and I'll get into that in a minute. I've gotten lost many a times. And what I've done is the exposure of asking for help, being vulnerable, even in countries where I can't speak the language, asking people for help, showing them the map, pointing at where I'm gonna go. People are nice. They are kind, they are good. We sometimes forget that when we get in our little bubble. But I have rarely encountered people in different countries where I'm asking for help that they just flat out refuse or treat me like shit. They don't. The same way, if someone asked me for help here, of course I would. And I would be happy to and probably would I'd probably drive them or accompany them wherever they needed to go. If I get kidnapped, I don't know. I mean, how often have I been really in the situation where I would be kidnapped? It is an irrational fear. People do get kidnapped, but I would hope that I would self-trust in that situation to know how to get out of it or to be able to talk to the people that have kidnapped me and convince them to let me go. Am I going to get triggered in my core fear of being trapped? Hell yes. It's my core fear. I'm always on the lookout. Does that mean in places I might be embarrassed? I can't tell you how many people times I've been embarrassed in different countries because I didn't know how a toilet worked, or I didn't know how this worked, or I didn't know how to pump petrol in Spain or London. And I had to have somebody come out and demonstrate how to do it. It was embarrassing. And you know what? I just did it because it was the first time I learned how to do it. And the first time is always the hardest to learn those things. And just doing them over and over and over has helped. The things that have helped me traveling internationally, I still get scared. So all of these things I'm mentioning, they still come up. Just because I have worked out a system where I can deal with it does not mean that it doesn't happen. I'm still scared about my house burning down and my dogs, and I still have those feelings leading up. And I still, when I'm when I'm traveling, go, oh my gosh, am I ever going to get home? It's always there. And that's okay. So how do I get to the places? I got a credit card that gets me into lounges, airport lounges. Now there's a fee attached to it. That's the whole thing. But the amount of money that I save by going to a lounge, not spending money on food when I'm in the airport and the peace of mind, it sorts itself out over a year. It really does. I've added it up. It does. So what I do is I reward myself on each leg. I try to fly into the same airports so I know exactly where to go. I know the exact lounge to go to. I know what the food is going to be. I know where to sit, things like that. I may challenge myself every once in a while, but who cares? Sometimes I don't. These are the little things. You know, if I'm flying to a new airport and I don't know, I research the airport ahead of time. Hey, this looks like a really cool restaurant to go to, and it's right by my gate. So I'm going to go to that restaurant and I'm going to sit. So I know exactly where I'm going. I make a plan. I have a routine traveling internationally. And doing it as much as I do, it helps. Even nationally, I have a plan. I fly into airports all the time. I've never flown into, but I just look ahead of time. Is this reassurance seeking? I don't know, maybe, but I don't care. Because to me, traveling is anxiety provoking. And I want to make sure that I have a plan. And sometimes the plan doesn't work. Sometimes the plane's late, you know, and sometimes travel's terrible. But at least it is just this peace of mind. I plan ahead for the plane. What are some of the movies that Delta offers? What movie am I going to watch on this leg? If it's an eight-hour flight, am I going to watch a movie before we start? Am I going to listen to a podcast next? I just plan the whole thing. I make a routine and I set up a reward system. If I'm going to be in JFK, I know exactly where to go in JFK. I'm going to have a glass of champagne at JFK because that's what I want. To reward myself for what I'm doing. When I get to Ireland or Spain, Spain, by the way, has the best coffee ever. So when I get to Spain, I'm going to reward myself with a coffee in the airport, even though it's so ridiculously expensive for a cup of coffee. It's still welcome to Spain. You did it. Here's your cup of coffee. When I'm in these different countries, I map out my day. I walk. I now have a SIM card in my phone. So my phone works ahead of time. I look where my Airbnb is. I find the grocery stores. You know what brings me comfort? Cooking in my Airbnb. Having the food that I'm used to. Now maybe this is reassurance, and really I don't care. It's comfort food, right? I know that if I have this in the refrigerator, if I can have snacks, if I can have this, if I can have water, you know, it's important in different countries to make sure that you can have a water source. If I have sparkling water, I love sparkling water, if I have a good bottle of wine, things like that. Where's the grocery store? Let me go there first and settle in. I make the space my own. I find the routine. I find places I want to go to and I get out and walk. Because that's what I didn't do in Spain because I was scared. So I make it a mission to do that. Also, I have a ton of self-compassion, the act of self-compassion, of self-care. What do I need to do? As silly as it sounds, what's the reward? Do I want to book a massage? Do I want to go have my nails done? Do I want to do something that brings, you know, do I want to go somewhere that has comfort food? Again, a nice cup of coffee, a park that I can sit in and have the sun shine on my shoulders. These are the things that I do to prioritize what I need while I'm traveling internationally. This is why I like traveling by myself. So that way I can do that on my own. When I went to Spain the second time, first of all, the experience of Spain was fused to my anxiety and my feet. I was scared to go back. I knew that Spain was going to be, I was going to get there and even just the air on me, I was going to remember how tough that time was. I knew my feet were going to hurt the minute I got off the plane. And you know what? They did. We were hosting an event again there. And so I knew you have to go. A couple of my really good friends were going to be there, which was amazing. So I knew that I would have their support. I took the time a few months beforehand to learn basic Spanish. I put a SEM card in my phone. All of the things that you learn when you travel that went wrong is good information. So I went to Spain armed with knowledge and all the things that I needed. And I did exactly what I just told you that I did. I looked at where to go get groceries. I looked at places I could go to shop or to walk and to see nature. Those are the things that I love. And I did this. I actually planned to stay three days after. I was going to rent a car and drive to the mountains. That has now become my thing, by the way. Whenever I go anywhere internationally, I stay for a few days and I drive somewhere that's beautiful because nature is my jam. So I went to Spain. It was fused with OCD and anxiety. And I didn't care. I was like, I'm going to make this time better. Maybe it'll be horrible, but it doesn't matter. My speakers were there. I love them. There's such some of my really good friends. And I got there a couple of days early, you know, and I just walked around the town and I revisited the place that I remember being so triggered. And I was able to be present. I was able to think. I was able to see just how beautiful the town was. And even though sometimes my feet hurt, I just thought, there it is, and that's okay. But I did everything I needed to do to feel grounded and in my routine, and it was such a successful trip. I rented a car. I drove in Spain. I went to mountains. It was such an amazing trip. You know what? I took it back. I took Spain back. And since then, I have been every single year. One year I went twice. I love it there. It's one of my favorite countries. I wanted to share that with you because sometimes OCD fuses with things and taints them. It makes us full of grief. It ruins things for us. And sometimes we can find ways to take it back. Revisit. Show OCD, you're not taking this from me. In other examples, you're not taking this person from me. You're not taking milestones from me. You're not taking experiences from me. You're not taking travel from me. I took it back. And now sometimes I wake up and I think about Spain and I can't wait to be there again. And I think about that first time I was there and how scared I was and how I isolated in the hotel. And it was just the wrong people to travel with, and it was just the wrong situation. Those were circumstantial. And OCD completely took advantage of that and took over that time and said, This is all about you and how you suck and your inability to be able to walk and and you can't make it in a country where they don't speak English. I believed that shit, but then I took it back. And now sometimes when I go to Spain, I feel like it's home. And I'm so glad that I did that. Lastly, one of the biggest lessons that I have learned in traveling was in Spain. So it's fitting that I am sharing this with you. Two years ago, I went to Spain. It was, I think it was like our third, maybe even, yeah, we've had four events there. So it was our third event. I went early, of course, because I wanted to spend time in Seville. And then I stayed after and I drove up to the Andalusia Mountains. And oh my gosh, if you ever get the chance, they are just stunning and gorgeous. But I spent a few days in Seville because I love Seville. And I had been struggling at that point to understand how to be present, how to find peace. I ruminate so much that sometimes I feel like rumination takes me out of the present world. And you know what rumination does is it just makes me feel selfish. I'm just always thinking about this and that, and I sometimes can't be present with people. So it just feels like selfish. So I was in Seville. All the speakers had left. And I had like a day before I left to go to Andalusia. In Seville, they have these squares, and you can just sit and watch people. What I love about Spain the most is the culture. You just watch people talking with each other. They're not on their phones, they're invested in the community of people around them. They are present. I've always felt jealous of that. So I just sat and watched. And I started thinking about my inability to be present, which of course then it brings me to my inability to feel real peace in the present moment. And as I was doing that, people would walk past me. People that lived in Spain. And I would watch their faces. And you could see that they were thinking about things or they were looking up or looking at the surroundings or talking to the people that they were with, just invested in what was going on in the moment. And I thought to myself, they're not looking at me. Not that I wanted them to, by the way. Having OCD throughout my life, living through and from my child childhood trauma, I have always felt like there's this spotlight on me. Not that the world revolves around me because I'm selfish, but that the world revolves around me because it's always judging me, it's always scrutinizing, waiting for me to mess up. Thus, my fear of being embarrassed, my fear of standing out, my fear of being trapped, getting stuck, looking stupid, that there's some spotlight on me because you are gonna fuck up and everybody's gonna see it. And I was standing there, I remember exactly where I was standing in the square in Seville, and people were just walking by me. They didn't look at me, they didn't even notice me. I was almost invisible. And I thought to myself, I think I've always just existed in this energy force. People care about themselves, not in a selfish way, but they are preoccupied with what am I gonna have for dinner? I've got to go pick up my kid, what's this problem going on with work? I need to do this. But it was just this monumental moment of I am just part of something. I am not the spotlight of shame. I am not the person that's gonna stand out and look stupid and embarrassed. The same way as I said earlier, if someone asked me for help, if someone was struggling and that this has happened in the community, I go and help. What can I help with? You know, is it are you lost? You're looking at a map, what's going on? What if someone asks me for help? I'm not going to think they're stupid. I forget that I'm just part of humanity when sometimes all I remember is you're standing out because you should, because of shame, because you're dumb, because you're stupid, because you should be embarrassed. It was one of the biggest revelations of my life. And you know why I had it? It's because I took the risk of traveling outside of my comfort zone. Going outside of our comfort zones. If you're if you can't travel to Spain, I'm not saying do, you can do it wherever you're at. Step outside your comfort zone. I saw something the other day. And I've been doing this ever since I've been traveling internationally because, like I said, my life is really small. I live in a mountain town, and it's easy to just get buried down here for months and months and months. I saw something the other day that was just like, what are some things that you want to do that bring back like childhood innocence? And one of the things said, like, get in your car or take a bus and go to a nearby town and just park and spend the day. Now all of a sudden you're a tourist in a little bitty town that's still technically near your town, but you get to explore. And I thought, oh my gosh, this is what I'm gonna do next. With OCD, and I know I'm talking about being internationally and having a routine. That's what keeps me in the present moment and making me feel safe enough to be able to explore. But what can we do in our everyday lives? Because OCD makes our world very small. OCD puts us in a routine that says this is the only thing that's safe. And sometimes we forget that when we push outside of our comfort zone, that's when we grow. I know that we don't want to grow sometimes because safety seems so much easier and better than growth. Life is worth living and exploring. And regardless of what OCD tells you, you can do it. You're capable of doing it. Sometimes it just involves creativity. And also the spotlight of shame, the spotlight of whatever emotion OCD says, you can't do this because of that, it doesn't exist. Where are you right now? Because wherever you are, if you're not right here with me in my house in Colorado, which you're not, at least I hope you're not. And if you are, show yourself. But either way, you're listening to what I'm saying here. And I am speaking to you. So therefore, we are of one energy right now. There's no spotlight on me. There's no spotlight on you. We are one. And that helps us to realize that we're part of something greater when often our OCD, our anxiety that takes us out of the present moment, that takes us out of the things that we want to do and feel afraid of, like traveling, that tells us we can't. Tells us we shouldn't. Tells us we never will. I wanted to do this episode today because this transformation for me of traveling internationally at this point has been, gosh, almost nine years. It has taken so long. But it is it has been worth it. The times where I have felt embarrassed, you know, the times that I felt lost, all the things I was afraid of were worth it. I will be traveling to Ireland and Poland in the fall. I've never been to Poland. And you know what? I'm not scared. I will have those fleeting fears. But I know that there's people on the other end that are gonna be there for me. I know if something happens, I can always call the people that I love here in America. And if worst case there, they can come get me. But also I have the self-trust and I have the realization that I'm going to land in a different country, or even if I land in a different state, it's not about me being under a spotlight. It's about me being part of something bigger. Bigger meaning living my life. Living life alongside the people that I'm on the plane with, in the airport with, or just walking alongside in a town like Seville, Spain. What is OCD telling you that you can't do? I would encourage you to do it. I would encourage you to take the risk. Because your life isn't small. It doesn't have to be. You can let it be, and I have many times. But what it takes is practice, exposure, but mostly compassion. I've done the best that I could when I travel, and I will continue to do the best I could. But it's something that I want to do. And with repeated exposure and information about what makes it easier and more helpful, I am able to expand that part of my life. So I do want you to know you can do it too. Whether it's travel or just getting in the car and leaving your house. It takes strength and resilience, which you have, exposure and self-compassion. And you deserve that, regardless of what your brain tells you. Thank you so much for being here and for unmasking with me today. I am so excited to be able to share this stuff about travel. I have no idea how this is gonna turn out. My relationship with traveling has been a long journey for me. And I do know that I've learned so much through it. But I also know how difficult it is and how scary it was. Obviously, maybe that's if this podcast supports you, inspires you, or helps you feel a little wonderful. I'd love for you to consider supporting it on Patreon. Your website touch helps to keep these competitions going and create even more resources for our wonderful company. You can join us at patreon.com slash enters the document. And remember, when you're here, you do not have to wear the mask. You're understood. Exactly as you want.